issues

The last time I had a normal relationship with food, I was 12 years old.  I've been fasting, losing, gaining, dieting, exercising, binging, purging, starving, gorging and basically fucking myself up about food since I was 13.  I started my very first diet when I weighed 126 and my goal was to weigh 110, and I bought Dexatrim at the drugstore after CCD class one night and now - well, here I am.

In 1987, I left Williamsville and made my way to Boston for college where food became my best friend.  I was that small fish in a big pond, living in a small dorm in South Campus and remember many late nights stopping by Christy's Market for a pint of Ben & Jerry's or a bag of Doritos.  That shit gave me comfort like nothing else.  I also rowed on the crew team and ran miles and miles everyday to work it off. 

The pounds started to creep on my sophomore and junior years.  I had lots of boyfriends and lots of sorority friends.  I was no longer rowing, no longer running, and I was drinking a lot.  I felt unsure of my future.  I also felt very alone and and depressed quite often and thus began my relationship with Prozac in late 1989 or early 1990. 

Fast forward 15 years or so and I am still a fucking mess when it comes to food.  I envy normal people who can have a bag of chips or some Christmas cookies in their home and not think twice.  It makes me crazy when someone orders pizza for a work meeting and I have to carefully calculate how much I can eat and how I might be able to sneak an extra slice without anyone seeing me.  I hate feeling weak around food.  The anxiety I feel when any social event involves food is killing me.  I ran into some old high school friends the other day and all I could think about was what they must have said about me, about how much I have changed from high school - because I used to weigh 110 pounds and today I was at the Olive Garden and I ate at least three of those goddman garlic breadsticks.

Do you know what it is like to be the fattest person at a party?  To try to act cool and charming and be social and to make people laugh because you are so funny and then go home and beat yourself up for days?  Have you ever RSVP'd 'yes' to an event but then backed out at the last minute because of the way you look and feel?  Do you know what it's like to be 36 and the cartilage in your knees is almost gone because you are overweight?  Have you ever taken a sleeping pill at 5pm so you can go staright to bed and skip dinner, because you feel like you've eaten enough already for the day?

No?  Well lucky you.

Today is January 7, 2006 and this is the last day of my bulimic anxious depressed fucked-up attitude about food.  Tomorrow morning I will trash those chips and cookies and candy and macadamia nuts that are in my cupboards.  I'll probably never be skinny and I don't think knee cartilage regenerates but maybe the food will stop calling my name.

Comments

I don't think you're alone.

[Buffalopundit]

I decided to cut out the crazy diets that tell you you can't have x, y, and z. I'm trying to control my portions (hard) and choose healthier stuff generally (not as hard).

Now, I have to motivate to get some exercize. That, for me, is the hardest thing in the world.

[Ali]

Just be happy with the way you are! I find that people who go on diets, try to eat healthy, blah, blah...end up not getting anywhere. Just eat healthy as much as you can and be happy that you have good health.

Peace.

[justJENN]

Oh man. I'm sorry you feel this way. I hope you get over these feelings.
I'd make a witty Wiggles reference here, but I'm tapped out.

[Buffalobeacon]

I share your pain. Most of my extra 50 or so pounds have been added in the past four years (post pregnancy) so it's always a treat to see people I haven't seen since then. Their lack of recognition makes me want to cry.

[Jen]

Wow, this was such a powerfully written entry. I don't know what else to say. I feel the same way you do, I am not hungry but I am looking at food to comfort and fill a void or hole.

[eric the pharmacist]

I remember how I used to yell at you about the Dexatrim. No simple answers here except getting rid of the Prozac (or any ssri)is the first step in the right direction. Weight gain is one of their biggest problems.
My other 2 cents: buy a road bike and ride! (que in that Queen song here "...you make the Rockin World Go Round!" No no, bad joke) Seriously, it's easy on the knees and it's more addictive than Dorito's (and godfuckingdammit I love Dorito's-- Ranch dressing flavor)

Yes to most of your questions. Yes.

[Erin]

Wow. Just wow. This is an incredibly powerful and well-written post, Jen. Good luck.

[meribon]

well, I think you are beautiful...

[Jennifer]

And this is why we are so damn much alike. Yeah. I know. I know I know I know. Except I was never 110 in high school...

And I am just now starting to deal with the mother fucking depression.

Love you lots...

[LC Scotty]

I feel your pain, Jen. I weighed about 135 when I graduated high school, right around the time you did. Now I weigh 265. I have gained a supermodel. Of course most guys want to gain a supermodel by dating them-I ate mine.

[Scott]

I put on 50 pounds seven years ago after my Mom died. It's never found its way off, despite going off anti-depressants. I've also tried some of the fad diets. Since I'm not actually gaining weight anymore, I've decided cross it off my worry list this year. Good luck.

[forrest_tina]

I know it's hard but forget about what other people may think. Spend the money and go to a nutritionist. Stop diet pills AND BEATING YOURSELF UP!

[Sara]

jen, i am so struck by the way you came clean about your struggles. you're in my thoughts. hugs, sara

[CJ]

So, I got re-directed here by buffalopundit and was expecting humor. I read this instead and am stunned. This piece was incredibly powerful...of course, being a guy, I immediately need to figure what to DO to help instead of just LISTENING.

Here's my thoughts(totally unsolicited, of course). Exercise is a tough thing to get into, but once you do it for six weeks, you get hooked on the endorphins, food loses it's voodoo-like attraction, and pounds SLOWLY come off. Why slowly? Because muscle weighs more than fat (or so some exercise dude once told me).

The thing is this...some people have higher metabolisms than others. That is a fact, and yet it sucks. So what do you do about it? You know from college that crew practice helped but let's face it, running 10 miles a day really isn't an option. My suggestion? Go for a walk...I know it sounds stupid! BUUUUT, I have a friend who has actually dropped about thirty in the last nine months just by going for a three mile walk every day (he didn't start at three miles but worked up to it). So go for a fifteen minute walk every day for a week, then twenty the next week...see how you feel and go from there...I know the weather sucks but ECC and UB have great indoor tracks...and there's always the Galleria and Boulevard Malls...

As far as the food thing, I fear for my daughters what you experienced and continue to fight. I fight the battle of sugared cereals daily and they are still in elementary school. I think maybe switching to lunchtime veggies could help ( I am trying to go vegetarian for lunch this year and it seems to work so far)...maybe having oatmeal in the morning (a great though exceedingly boring food) could help fire up your metabolism a little more? I admit to somewhat talking out my butt here as I am not a nutritionist, but maybe seeing one for a consult might help...I think IHA actually pays for that now.

I don't think fad diets work, because they tend to ignore the basics about food and weight, which I think comes down to this: if you eat healthy and exercise, you feel better at any weight than if you eat fast food and don't go for walks or runs or aerobic classes. Calories in which are not burned off just add to weight...and I don't care what Dr. Phil or Oprah or Uma says about the latest miracle diet---ain't no such thing.

I was skinny in high school cause I ran every day. Now I weigh thirty pounds more, which quickly turns to fifty if I don't exercise every day...and if I don't eat right. I hate this getting old shit. But it happens, eh?

You're not alone in your struggles (the posts above tell you that). I don't know you at all but I do know if you can take fifteen minutes a day to go for a brisk walk, eat a healthy breakfast and no food after 730 at night, you will be amazed at the results after three months. But you gotta be ready for it to take that long...

Wish you all the best and sorry if I got preachy...especially on my first visit...take care...

[jenB]

gee, all i have to do is eat less and exercise? wow. who knew?

good for you for still fighting and talking about. it hurts. it really really hurts to struggle.

xo